dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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