I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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