There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
