I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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