Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
