Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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