Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
