Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
