This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
