I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
