Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
