i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
