the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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