i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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