Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
