Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you had me at cake vodka
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
