i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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