im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
