This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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