Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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