He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
