Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
