Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
