The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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