a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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