If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
