You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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