I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
