her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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