I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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