You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
