just tell him i said nine months
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
