When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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