i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
