Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
