I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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