i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
