I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
