Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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