i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
