I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
