fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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