Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
