yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
