did you get engaged???
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
