she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
