I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When are your genitals available?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
