i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
