Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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