happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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