dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
