how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
