you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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