I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
