i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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