I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
