I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
