I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
